Saturday, February 5, 2011

Tearing Down the Mountain

Hello Everyone.

I know it has been a long time again since I posted but I also know I have a few faithful followers who check in here to see how I am doing.  It is comforting to know that people care and want to see me get past this horrible mountain that stands between me and success lately.

Depression is a horrible thing.  It doesn't just make one sad, lonely or doubtful.  It takes away the desire to fix it. It blocks the creativity to find solutions.  It zaps one's energy and self esteem.   I am not telling you all this to whine.  I know that with continued prayers and my medication this WILL eventually pass.  I am telling you so you have some idea of where I am coming from, why I don't keep in touch.  Everything I enjoy when I am not depressed, no longer brings a  feeling of pleasure or satisfaction when I am.  I even dread fire calls.  I have always loved to serve my fire dept., and to be able to help others on scene.  I enjoy the thrill of flashing lights, shiny fire trucks and firefighters running around in their organized chaos as they do their jobs.   And I have always enjoyed the camaraderie between fellow Fire Buff Battalion members and the firefighters.  But I feel NOTHING when I go now.  But still, I DO go.  It is one of the few things that I still force myself to do even though the depression weighs me down.  And the reason I do still go is because I find a tremendous amount of support in my Fire Buff family.   They have been there for me no matter what, sometimes running themselves ragged to take care of fellow member's needs.   And the firefighters are SO appreciative of what we do.  It is still rewarding to know that we do make a difference...that comes through even through the depression and for that I am truly thankful.

I will try.. as I have promised before... to post more often.  I am afraid that posting my progress through this depression may be a downer to you who read it.  But I am hoping that if it is you will just skip it.  If it does not bring you down then read it if you like,  and I appreciate the encouragement from you.  And I believe that if I write it down.. maybe it can help to get it out and make this mountain of depression disintegrate into dust so I can have my life back.

I love you all and appreciate your patience, friendship and words of encouragement more than you could ever know.